Long time. . . you ever wonder where it all goes. . . They say that matter can't just disappear. . . so what about time and feelings. . . what about those. . . Chemicals released in your brain are still atoms. . . Time, how can I speak and understand.
feelings are caused by chemicals. . . so what happens after the love/hate passes. . . where do all those chemicals go? Is that what causes memories? Why when you think back to a crush you get those same feelings you did before? You can blush and smile for no reason to all those people around you.Why when you think of someone who hurt you, you can still feel hurt and want to cry? Are those Chemicals just stored up?
Time, I don't know, one minute is one thing the next another, where does it go. It seems like last year I was starting 8th grade, meeting the people who have made me who I am. Then it's like 9th grade, bumming rides with Lacey and Ashly to feed our Ren. Faire fix, By Fridays we jump with joy and plan our rides, always last minute. . . then. . . I don't even need to say it. . . then its. . . now. . . where I'm more confused about myself then I've ever been before. . .
I wish could understand it all, none of my past seems to be me anymore. . .
Yet, it has all lead to Who I am today. . .
I seem to just runaway from all my problems, is that why I have an obsession with leaving Here. . . to try once again to escape everything, even myself. So I can start over and be a me I'm really not. To act my way through life. . . don't you just wish this life was just partice. . . how much you change. . . everything just one or two things? Are you happy with the way things have turned out to the point that you would change nothing?
I wonder. . . could I see my life in a different light? Or do I forget it all start over like I've always planned? And I just keep starting over? Always moving. . . always changing. . . a fucking actor. . . never really me. . .
or is that excactly who I am. . . an Actor. . .
I feel so odd all the time. . . off. . . like I missed some clue, a god damn memo about the rules and shortcuts to a happier life. . .
I don't know. . .
I know it's pitiful. . .
I feel like people hate me, even when they smile at chat with me. . . like inside they think such horrible thoughts about me, I hate walking by people and they get quite. . . laugh after I've walked by. . .
I worry to much, I shouldn't really care. . .
Whatever. . . why have I even come back to this site. . . again
I realize that the things I feel are not as important to me as they are to other people. . .
For those who still read this, and care, I wont be doing Faire this year. . . not because of poor grades or people (So i tell myself) but because I need to work on better grades to get more money to go to Brooks Institute of Photography I know I can't pay for it by myself, or even with the help of my parents. . . but I feel this need to run so my plan is to go to Brooks so I can go to CA and be as far away as possible.
I still plan on visiting faire(And I will still call it faire) and taking pictures, I will post them or give them to those who want them afterwards. . . I will still dress up and I won't be a play-tron.
I know I will miss it all, but I don't feel the need to return to faire.
It's like getting out of rehab, I was addictted to faire, being so far from it, I no longer feel the way I did before. I would love to be in Faire again, but it makes no differance to my future anymore, I knwo I will never be the Acting Star I've dreamed of being, being a Life Changing Photographer is pushing it.
Anyway, That's all. I welcome ALL to talk and add me at Xanga :: Cheshire_Smile AIM :: Cheshire Reality or my Myspace(rarely updated) :: Rose_Tinted